Archive | 2:18 PM

Dear Clothing Manufacturers

1 Jun

Dear Clothing Manufacturers:

I went shopping for shorts today.  I went to four different stores.  Here are a list of my demands requests.

1.  POCKETS.  Whose idea was it to eliminate pockets from women’s shorts?  We need to carry stuff.  We need at least a pocket big enough for a house key.  A pocket that fits a phone would be ideal.  I go walking early in the morning and it would be nice if my kids could call me to chat (even though it’s usually 6am and no one else is up yet… You never know.)  Plus what if I fell and got hurt?  I need to have a phone to call someone to carry me home!  And how about mace or pepper spray?  That would fit nicely into a pocket too.  So that’s all – a pocket big enough for a house key, a phone, and mace.

2.  LENGTH.  I’m over 40 and slightly overweight.  As unfortunate as it is, I have to glance at my flabby, jiggly butt cheeks every once in a while in the mirror.  Let me tell you this:  No one else needs to see this phenomenon.  Please make shorts long enough to cover said butt cheeks!  It seems you only make two lengths – super short and capri length.  How about mid-thigh or even fingertip length?  I’m willing to bet there are a lot of women looking for this length of shorts!  And as a side note:  Why do you even make those short shorts in size Large and above?  Not good…  (same with two piece swim suits – but that’s another letter.)

3.  MATERIAL.  I walk in these shorts.  I sweat in these shorts.  Making shorts out of fabric that chafes your thighs when walking is not a good sensation.  Making shorts out of fabric that sticks together and creep up your legs as you walk is equally bad.  I can’t stop every three steps to pull my shorts out of cracks places that they should not be in!

4.  COLOR.  The fashion police are not awake at 6am.  They usually stay away from the general vicinity of my house.  I’m walking with the dog – not down a fashion runway.  Neon orange and bright pink shorts will allow the the cars to see me (I assume that’s why you make them in those colors) but I’m afraid that these colors will wake up the fashion police.  Then they will start to comment on the aqua shirt that I paired with these neon shorts… which will lead to the fact that I didn’t shower or do my hair or put on make up before heading out on my walk.  You know why?  Because I’m exercising – that’s why!  So please make the shorts out of black, navy, and throw in a shade of gray now and then to shake it up a bit.  For an American population who seems to run a bit on the “pear-shape body type”, we would appreciate the illusion of a slimmer bottom half instead of scaring the heck out of us when we look down.

So if you could please deal with the above issues in the next week or so, I’d appreciate it.  I need summer shorts!